Discontent

Date: 1/31/22

I’m still struggling with my return to “normal” life. One week in Utah living in the van basically ruined me. I’m no longer content with my life. A mild depression has set in. I can’t bring myself to clean my house. If it weren’t for my husband, I don’t even know what or if I would have eaten this weekend.

I’ve been moping around the house and work for a week. All I can think about is how we could be living in the van if I hadn’t taken this job. At the time, I was excited about this job. But the shiny newness has worn off, and it’s just like any other “real” job.

I think what happened is I completely immersed myself in the “normal” life experience and embraced it because I had a “real” job for the first time since the Navy. I bought the house, I spent money on shit I didn’t need, and I convinced myself this was a good life for me. Is this a good life for most people? Fuck yeah! Does it suit me? Fuck no!

Utah let me see what life could have been. Would every day be like that week in Utah? Hell no! At some point I’d have to get some sort of job to make money. We wouldn’t be able to drive aimlessly wherever we wanted because fuel is expensive. Finding a place to park for the night wouldn’t always be that easy. But I’d still trade all of that for this “normal” life.

Now, I’m at the point where I feel like I need to shit or get off the pot. Like I either need to quit my job, get rid of the house and move into the van, or I need to stop moping and get on with life.

The thing is, I know I’m not ready to quit. First, I’m not mentally prepared. Second, I have an entire summer planned with friends in and around Idaho. I might as well work and make good money if I’m going to be in the area anyway. Third, I still haven’t figured out what we’ll do when I quit, other than live in the van. Like what will we do with our house full of shit? Will we find another structure as a home base?

That means I need to get off the pot and stop moping around. Anyone who has struggled with depression knows that this is easier said than done. I did manage to pick up what I call my sunroom yesterday, so that’s something! And I’m eternally grateful for my wonderful, supportive husband who is picking up the slack around the house while I wallow around in my mopiness.

It’s still cluttered, but the sunroom is better than it was. Small victories!

Stuff I need to keep telling myself:

  • Work is paying for school, and I love school and want to finish this associates without paying for it. Therefore, having this “real” job isn’t the worst.
  • This job allows me to save a good chunk of change to live off whenever I do quit.
  • I won’t be working at this job forever. I have three more years at most. The time I’ve already been working here has flown by, and it will continue to fly by.
  • I have an awesome, adventurous summer planned with great friends.

Rest Day Journal

Christina View All →

Endlessly seeking adventure.

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