Date: 5/28/21
Training Day: 126
Miles: 3.6 (walking)
New Friends: 1
Weather: Partly cloudy, high 60s and windy

How It Felt: I felt like a weiner for walking where I usually run, but it felt good to get out and purposefully move.

Commentary: For my whole life I’ve struggled with depression on and off. More so when I was younger. The last 5-6 years have been a lot better because I’ve taking antidepressants.

My happy pills help me with motivation and staying on top of my shit. Do I still get sad? Sure. But the key is I can take care of my shit even when I’m feeling down.

There’s a warning on prescription saying not to drink alcohol while taking the medication. Since I started working my “real” job I managed to cut down on the alcohol significantly. Like a beer or two a week. And I noticed how much more on top of my shit I was.

I think running also helped because of the runner’s high. Those extra brain chemicals probably gave me an extra kick that helped to keep me going strong.

Sticking to my training program was no problem. Then it started warming up. When it warms up I love sitting in the sun drinking a beer. And I love sipping on a tasty beverage when soaking in a hot spring.

I strongly believe my increased consumption of alcohol in affecting my motivation.

Even after my fatigue went away I could not convince myself to go to the gym or go for a run. I’d get all my stuff together and ready to go, and no matter how much I tried to talk myself into doing it, i couldn’t.

This feeling is very familiar to me. This was my life before antidepressants. This was my life when I drank everyday on antidepressants.

I don’t like this helpless feeling.

Yesterday I’d planned on hiking but couldn’t get myself out of the house. Finally I convinced myself to post to a local women’s group on Facebook asking if someone wanted to walk. I knew if someone agreed to come with me I would actually do it it.

Thankfully a lady responded. We met on the Greenbelt and walked while getting to know each other.

At first I still felt like a failure because I should have been running and I was walking instead. Then I reminded myself that I got out of the house. It might not seem like much of an accomplishment to most people, but in times like these, it is a huge accomplishment.

Recognizing the likely cause of my current situation, I am cutting back on my drinking. I bought some more NA beers so I can still have a beer in the sun or in a hot spring. But no more alcohol for a while.

Monday I have plans to hike with my friend. I’m hoping that will be a kick start to my week and that I’ll be able run on Tuesday.

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