It is amazing what happens when you have time. For me, unemployment is freedom. The freedom to fill my days however I please with minimal obligations interfering. What I chose to do with this freedom spoke volumes. And I listened.

Being unemployed, I constantly checked various job boards for positions to apply for. I scrolled and scrolled, looking for something that not only interested me but also with a location I might consider worthy enough of giving up my nomadic lifestyle. More often than not, when a gem of a job winked at me, enticing me to click and learn more about the position, I discovered my qualifications didn’t even get me close to being a competitive candidate.

Not one to be discouraged and give up, I kept checking. I kept scrolling. I kept clicking. I kept applying. Radio silence. Not even get a, “Fuck you,” back if they didn’t want to interview or hire me!

When looking for a job after my internship ended this past February, my eyes stopped on a PhD position. My cursor tentatively hovered over the posting title for a moment before I convinced my left finger to press down on my mouse. The project truly interested me, and I found the location acceptable. Plus, I love school, and I love research. As I painstakingly crafted my very first CV, attempting to wordsmith my work into something desirable for a research position, I envisioned myself as a PhD student.

I pictured myself in a cramped university office. Like a casino, no clock adorned my wall to tell me the time. Just ignore the fact that my cell phone is probably sitting on my desk and my laptop has the time in the bottom right-hand corner. This is my vision! Hunched over my keyboard, I furiously typed out my dissertation, eye bleeding from all the literature reviews.

My least favorite part of every final project I ever completed for any class was reviewing literature and writing the paper. Open dozens of papers hoping they’re related to my topic. Close dozens of papers because actually are not related to my topic. Wrack my brain to reword the one bit of relevant information I found in one paper so I’m not plagiarizing. Checking my word count after every sentence to see if I met the minimum count yet.

My CV never left my hard drive.

Eight months later, I’m working on a second masters because what else do I have to do while I’m unemployed? I continued my ritual of scanning the job boards, and another PhD position caught my eye. Again, interesting project and acceptable location. Again, I seriously considered applying. I left the tab with the posting open in my browser for days, but not once did I open my CV.

A week later, I sat in the van, going down a rabbit hole of research papers for a discussion post. Each paper I read mentioned a fascinating tidbit I needed to learn more about. Instead of skimming papers, I read them. Tabs of papers filled my browser and PDF reader because I feared losing a paper I’d grown close to with the knowledge it departed. After hours of reading interspersed with moments of writing, a whooping 250 words or less is all I typed up for the discussion.

Working and going to school is not for the faint of the heart. It requires dedication and perseverance. For me, it also took away from graduate school experience. Time became a precious commodity, and hell if I wanted to spend any more time than necessary writing a damn paper.

As a full-time student, and only a full-time student, I have the time and freedom to do as I please. How I spent that time told me what I really wanted to do. Dive deep into my assignments. Savor each bit of knowledge I ingested while still greedily looking for more to learn. Challenge myself and push my work efforts past the minimum requirements.

As I stepped away from my 250 words or less, leaving behind the dozen open papers I poured through to craft each sweet word on that page, it hit me.

I am ready for a PhD.

Reflections education life mental-health phd writing